A year ago, how hard it all seemed, yet I also knew it was right. Now, I feel I have been pushed backwards. I feel defeated and useless.


Follow up:
I sent this post last night by mobil. When doing so, I'm only afforded a few short lines and it will cut me off. I've learned via Twitter and my blog to try to be concise as possible.

However, perhaps in this cae, concise is not the best. I feel the need to expound. In this respect of my life I do feel defeated and useless. It had taken years and years and mulling over what was right and what was wrong. It took me years to accept that in order to move on in my life in a healthy way, would require me breaking promises to family members. Some I have not seen in awhile. Some I miss terribly. Some, I'm sure, who will never forgive me. Some who are a part of me as surely as each of my individual cells.

But I did what I had to do last year. I had done it. It was the hardest of things. But I also knew it was a mountain that had to be conquered. But now, I find myself back behind a similar mountain. I know I will conquer this one again, somehow, some way. But last night, I just felt I had gotten nowhere.

But don't misunderstand. I have great faith in the global me, in the world around me, in God above, in love, in family, in devotion and in honesty to one's self. I believe I am on this path because it is where I must be. I believe there are greater things waiting for me. I just have to find the right way to get there. And I am, surely, doing that every day even on those nights when I don't feel it in my heart or in my soul. I am getting there when I am most lonely or tired. I am getting there. I will get there. And then that's where I shall be. Just as I am here now.