Everyone is talking about the auditions coming up. Are you auditioning for this or for that show, and there are a few coming up that I would like to try for, but seriously, at this point, I am finding it difficult to put myself out there.

It is hard anyway to lay yourself out there, sing, dance, read, be humorous, home you don't have something on your face, or your make up isn't smudged while you try to convince them in 30 seconds that you mean whatever is coming out of your mouth, while your hands are shaking. And if you happen to be going through a bout of feeling a bit undervalued as a human being anyway, it just makes it 100 times as difficult. It's all about confidence and believing in yourself. And being human beings, sometimes we just don't believe in ourselves.

So I don't know. I have songs I would audition with, and I would like to do a show, right now, it's a hurdle for me to say, I'm going to try it and if I don't make it, oh, well, that's part of it, the rejection and all. But there are times you just don't have the oommph to take the rejection, you know? Maybe I am just getting too old, for it, too soft and too sensitive.

Plus, every show I do, sets back my work out regime, my marathon preparation, my schedule. And my work outs are a huge part of my self-preservation. Now, even more so since we lost our Thursday night karaoke nights. And I really have been talking about going back to school, and getting a side job for extra cash.

So I don't know. I guess in short I'm saying that right now, I'm feeling a bit cowardly, and I don't admit that very often, not unless there is a big dog around.

yeah, maybe that would be better just now, school and a job. A lot of schools are starting their semesters at the end of January. I will look into it tomorrow.

So, you know, all of us, once in awhile, have a little nightcap, loosen us up, help us relax, just to chill. But lately with me, have a little night cap, and apparently everything I'm pissed off about, and apparently there is a lot I am pissed off about, comes out in some form or another, usually in a form that has nothing to do with anything I might actually be mad about and usually not at the person I'm mad at. It's usually at some unsuspecting victim who's is caught off guard and usually the person is one whose emotionally closest to me. (If I had to self-psycho analyze, I'd have to say, it's because I know they care about me and are likely to forgive.) Still, no excuse.

Getting angry that way, hardly seems fair or productive, does it? I don't like getting angry in the first place. I mean, I realize it's a human emotion but it's not a nice one. And when I do get mad, I much prefer to let the emotion settle for a day, or so and then try to deal with it in a factual manner. Although, this method seems to be failing me somehow. Because I'm learning I certainly have a lot of pent up angst. I mean, I know I have some given some circumstances, but maybe I have more than I realized.

So I think i will put my occasional night caps to the side for awhile, for fear I push away anyone and everyone who is precious to me. So if I've offended or said something out of line, hopefully those folks I've offended have accepted my meager but sincere apologies at the time. But truly, the best repentence is simply not to do it again. I mean, I might get mad but not stupid.

I go to other places + they seem so big + grand, but when I come back here, I realize, this seems to be 1 of only 2 places I'm not lost.

To my family, friends and conspirators in crime, love to all of you. Happy Christmas!

"So we're back to where we started. Were we only just a dream? Seems this hollow in my insides must be where you used to be."

Happy for a day


I’ve been over it and over it
My perspective so deranged
Cause I haven’t been myself of late
Feels uncomfortable and strange

I am usually so calm and cool
Nothing gets under my skin
But I’m missing now serenity
And it’s since you entered in

Was a sweet December melody
On a day just like today
When you said I made you happy, Babe
You were beautifully engaged.
Those were words I’d never heard before
Though it’s all I’ve ever longed
And those words they took my breath away
You were so happy for a day

When you spend your life in shadows
And you know that’s where I’d been
Nothing said and nothing ever done
Was enough to make the grade

I had tried and tried for years and years
He was one who’s never pleased
So my love withdrew in silence
Empty hopes took residence

Was a sweet December melody
On a day just like today
When you said I made you happy, Babe
You were beautifully engaged.
Those were words I’d never heard before
Though it’s all I’ve ever longed
And those words they took my breath away
You were so happy for a day

How you found the self there hiding
Under years of hurt and doubt
And we reveled in our joys
Every smile a silent shout

Now you say we can’t last forever
We are too close to the divine
As you suddenly turned westward
Saying simply you’re not mine

Was a sweet December melody
On a day just like today
When you said I made you happy, Babe
You were beautifully engaged.
Those were words I’d never heard before
Though it’s all I’ve ever longed
And those words they took my breath away
You were so happy for a day

Now I’ve lost all my perspective
I’m not sure of where I’ve been
Wish you’d spoken of these feelings
Before this flight was to begin

So I draw on little feedback
We’re too close, that’s what you say
But somehow that doesn’t really help me
As you take yourself away

Was a sweet December melody
On a day just like today
When you said I made you happy, Babe
You were beautifully engaged.
Those were words I’d never heard before
Though it’s all I’ve ever longed
And those words they took my breath away
You were so happy for a day

Yes, I’ve lost all my perspective,
I have surely lost my mind
How you needed me so deeply
Yet, can turn on just a dime

So tonight when that star’s shining
But I’m in this different place
I will long for that sweet feeling
Recall the look upon your face

Cause your words they took my breath away
You were so happy for a day

I just don't want to wonder what's real and what isn't. I don't have time for that BS. Be you. I'll be me. Simple, easy, sweet, fun.

Also, the 1 man I've known, who some say is no gentleman, was always honest with me. That honesty, though a dichotomy, is what I value.

I've met few true gentlemen in my life. They really do exist, right? Or is it just another fairy tale?

I think I may have actually finished my shopping early this year. Imagine that.

I bought H a Christmas present a few months ago. I hid it so she wouldn't find it. I'll be damned if I can't find the darn thing.

A xmas favorite: wearing my Santa hat while driving my Ford Taurus, which is disguised as Rudolph. . . I'm so easily entertained.

Oh my, candy canes have gotten so complicated: star burst, bubble gum, spree, chocolate mint, sour patch.. . What the heck?

My xmas lights are on my bedroom windows, so there is a soft glow in the room, but oh! My toes are so cold!

I've been working on a song, but the words just never come our right. I've tried writing it probably 100 times. Tonight I went back through some of my previous posts. Maybe I've already written it.


It was one of those
Moments you'd like to keep
Hide it in your drawer
Saved, to take out
Whenever you need to feel
Feel the way it felt again

He didn't say a word
There was something
Unexplainable
In the expression

The moment passed quickly
A smile she gave
She could have just asked
But what would he say

It was one of the those
Moments you'd like to keep
Put in a water vase
Placed carefully
To see it again, calmly
See it with new eyes

Could it be or foolish
That he would be
How could she believe
Facing reality

It was one of those
Moments you'd like to live
Knowing what you know
What you now know
To take the time to seek
The answer in his eyes

But something in his face
Clearly thinking
What's happened here
or was she wrong

It was one of those
Moments you need to breath
Hoping for a repeat
So as not to dismiss
That moment when he knew
The first moment he knew

His eyes, and she felt it
She sensed it too
Could it be imagined
Did she feel it too.

I attended the Wicker Park christmas concert tonight. Funny, as I was waiting for the concert to begin, I was reminded again of last year at this time. The feelings I was dealing with, the changes I was facing, and the challenges, too. It seems like it was just a dream now. Things were a bit scarey then, but they were also very exciting and I was feeling very warm inside that winter. Today, I don't have that warmth. I feel a bit chilled.

But I remind myself as I have for the past few weeks, that this holiday season may be one of reflection more than one of living in this moment. I tell myself, again, that it is a learning experience of some sort, of a lesson I don't quite grasp yet. It is out of reach and out of my realm of current comprehension. But it's all right, and I will only be the wiser, the stronger, for it. For all of it.

The choir files in and unusually so, they line up along the aisles of the church to sing their first song. I sat at the end of my row, quite pleased. I believe this always enhances a concert. It brings the music closer, the singing more intimate. Lucky me, my favorite Wicker Park singer was just behind me.

So as they begin to sing Hark the Herald Angels Sing, I am suddenly overcome with emotion. I am learning however how to keep the emotion inside, (it's taken me 40 something years) and to try to have my outside remain steadfast. It is not always easy, so a few tears escaped.

Through the years, this has happened to me any number of times, unpredictable and usually it's because of the pride and amazement I feel at the beauty and simplicity of the girls' voices. The pure tone and the joy it fills me with, is something I cannot explain. It is, I guess, my way of knowing a part of me is immortal in them, in their soul, in the gifts I had a small part of giving them. I am humbled by it.

Today, it was some of that, but also for the changes and lack of changes that have occurred in the past year. I don't know if I've progressed. I don't know if I am getting anyway. My friend said I have, in my attitude, in my conviction, but I don't know. I am still in the same place, physically.

Anyway, after the few initials escapes of my emotion, it was okay. As I sat listening to the concert, I would look around. I'm not sure what God is asking from me. I don't know how he wants me to get where I need to be, but I am trying. And I know I have not done things the way most people would, but I also know, I am me. He knows who I am and where I've been and why I made my choices. I don't understand the results of those choices sometimes. I have had my share of losses, but I have also so many gains.

So I will just pursue. I will continue to walk those miles and see where I end up.

Last year, my warmth came from within, and partly just from being able to share my feelings with people who cared about me, to be allowed to share my feelings, to understand what it was to share those feelings, and to be accepted for who I was by people who cared about me. And I think I am realizing, I must accept who I am, good bad and indifferent, before anyone else can.

Well, that was a whole lot of rambling, wasn't it? It was.

I just need to vent,
Because sometimes it becomes so evident
I am not completely over you yet
And I'm so sorry baby
It surprises me too,
Because I really had no clue
Not to worry
Just a little time,
A little more time

Because I need to say
How much I admire your integrity
Just wish you had found it baby
Before you touched me so
Oh, you touched me so

It might be just a phrase you say
And that's when I am just blown away
Because I guess I'm just not over you yet
Comes as a surprise
Because I really can't beleive
But find relief
Baby, more time, hon,
A little more time

Because I need to tell you
I admire your integrity
Just wish you had found it, honey
Before you touched me so
Oh, you touched me so.

Tonight, I saw some friends I had not seen in awhile. It felt good!