So it's the end of 2008. A time for reflection and careful meditation are certainly in order. But I haven't time right now. I have to go. Need to get ready.

I can only say this has been a year of change. And I believe 2009 will be another year of change. I hope most of it is for the better. I plan to make it so. Perhaps I can write a bit more later. We'll see.

Happy New Year.

The rocks lay scattered around my feet
From those they hurled carelessly
Bruises unseen inside and discreet
Screams silently choke me recklessly
All that concerns me-what matters most
Is the one thing I can't see

They condemn and demean
With little thought
While they ruffle their feathers
And chatter and preen
Don't you worry, not about me
I know who I am and what I need

As they suck on their grain of feed
I continue to walk, I'll never balk
It's just not me
Can't change what has happened
Wouldn't if I could
I was losing my footing

There were places I had to go
And things I had to tryI
had to know if time was on my side
Slowing down and nobody knows
Can't see what I've become
Or where I came from

The rocks lay scattered around my feet
From those they hurled carelessly
Bruises unseen inside and discreet
Screams silently choke me recklessly
All that concerns me-what matters most
Is the one thing I can't see

How the pebbles will lie
When all is said and done
They haven't rested yet
This mountain is steep and
Terrain is unfamiliar but I'll pass
Here within this heart, I'll hold onto me

That's where we all get to be
Running down this path of survival
Remorseful drowning in this life's sea
All that concerns me-what matters most
Is the one thing I can't see
Is the one thing I can't see

copyright November 2007

Hmmm. Do you think tea cafes, frown when one walks in with a mega sized coffee?

I've been in the mood for a slow dance; sweet and smooth; preferably with a partner...who has warm, gentle hands. Sounds nice, doesn't it?

Been struggling to get back to 6 miles a day. Been kind of stuck on 3 with all that's been going on. Today I hit 4. I'm on the way back!

Morning. :-) It's one of those when the world seems a little bit different than it did yesterday. Hope says it's for the better.

Good news! Back from singing. It would seem as if I did not kill anyone. Whew! Although, admittedly, in some cases, it was hard to tell.:-)

Off to sing at the Oak Park Arms. Let's hope my singing doesn't kill anyone. That would be bad!

$360 for a new wheel and tires, and they can't even put the hub cap back on for the kid. Nice customer service.

Ok. Well, maybe there is something to global warming after all.

Okay. I say, Tomorrow-no shovels! Instead we will pull out our power tools and build ourselves an ark. Who's with me?

So now I guess I know what rolling fog looks like. Kind of hit or miss to drive through, but other them that, very cool!

"Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded." Batman, the Dark Knight

Merry Christmas!

"This is the snow that never ends, yes it goes on and on, my friend!" Unlike yesterday, today it's the heavy stuff. Happy Christmas Eve!

And now that I'o watching, I believe the little girl who played Susu, also plays the daughter in Bishop

An interesting movie fact: the boy who plays young George Bailey has a small part in the original Bishop's Wife.

I would be remiss if I did not say thank you to someone who is fast becoming one of my closest friends. He has helped my children and myself, unselfishly, asking nothing in return, and I've only known him a few short months. He is one of those people, whom it seems you must have known him forever. Mostly because you can't remember what life was like without him around.

He has helped us, because that's just who he is. He asks for nothing in return. He has been there in times of need and in times of laughter and in times of fun, and in times of struggle. He has done so without judgement or criticism during a strange time for us, when we aren't necessarily ourselves, when our emotional selves are topsy turvy. So I want to thank him for helping with our ups and downs, for helping us go to places we've never been and even with our car troubles. I hope someday I can repay his friendship tenfold.

Regardless of age, the children in a family where the marriage falls apart, the children suffer in ways that I wish could be avoided. I'm so sorry for that.

Home + shoveled; now have crazy cold toes! Will warm them with PJ's, spirits, Harm, Cary, Loretta, Jimmy, Danny, Bing + Donna. Ah vacation.

Full power, Rudolph!

I am free! Ready to trek home and shovel! Hooray!

Okay, fess up. Who keeps singing "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. . ."

Always get warm fuzzies when 1 passenger on the train keeps dropping the F bomb + threatening another unrelated passenger. Happy Holidays.

Thanks to Robert, on way downtown for my first Do-It-Yourself Messiah! Exciting! Think my trainmates would mind if I practiced Hallelujah?

My widdle toes are so cold they hurt. Brrrr. Poor widdle me.:-(

Two more days until vacation. Will I make it?

"Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." Alfred, Batman Begins

Does anyone else have a love:hate relationship with predictive text? The lazy part of me loves it. The Honors English part of me hates it.

Looking forward to next year.....my goals are as follows:

Attempt to have one or two songs published.
More work as an extra.
Increase my fitness routine to retain and sustain at least 6 miles a day.
Do the weight training more regularly.
Go back to school.
Make more money.
Keep the past in the past.
Look to the future with enthusiasm.
Live today in the here and now, appreciating what is right in front of me.

Do you ever wonder if what you say might scare people away? I'm a poet and don't know it!!

Whew! Glad that one is over! Monday, Tuesday and then a much needed break. Have a great weekend!:-)

I've been decorating the house for the holidays. I had the four stockings up, but kept looking at them. And in a tearful moment the other night, decided maybe it was best to put them away. I can't fill them, this year, certainly. But mostly, it wouldn't seem right.

My mother-in-law made those stockings for us, one by one as we joined the family. Harmony and I got ours in the same year. So we've had those four stockings with us each year we've been a family.

I put them up for decoration about a week ago, but have kept looking at them. They are representative of our foursome, but also, of the love Jeanne has for us. And my heart breaks each time I think of her and my father-in-law, knowing that I don't think there is any way I can make this up to them. And how I wish I had found a different solution to resolving the ache inside the hearts of this little family of four, this family of mine.

So as I've looked at the foursome of stockings, I realize the changes are so great. Hil is not there now. Moved out and on. Bill is not there now. I tried taking theirs down and just leaving the remaining two, but that didn't seem right either. They were made to be displayed as a foursome. In a tearful moment, I decided, at least for this year, these stockings must be put away, and I put them back in the box. I cannot see this representation of the four of us, without having to swallow hard. Perhaps next year I will be able to hang them all and it won't be as poignant or painful. But not this year.

Not this year.

A strange and unusual phenenomena. I was driving to work the other day, and my mouth felt funny, my lips and tongue in particular. I was singing along to my CD's as I have a propensity to do. And they just, the tongue and lips, felt different. I couldn't figure it out. And then I realized what it was. They were loose. They were relaxed. There was no tension in them. (of course, any singing teacher will tell you, they should always be that way when you sing.) But there I was noticing a difference in sensation. And until that moment, wasn't really aware of how tense I had become. So there I was, and was realizing, I was relaxed, or perhaps a better way to say it, I was in the process of learning to relax again. I mean, in general I'm a pretty mellow person, or always considered myself so. So I mean, let's face it, being just the lips and tongue, I've got many more muscles that need to relax yet. Still, it was interesting, and in a small, strange way, I knew it was progress.

Just woke with a start, reminded in sleep of times that are now but a memory. Where's that moon when you need it? Ok. Back to sleep!

3.1 miles in 28 minutes would be wonderful if I were running in a 5K.

Have to love winter driving. Remind me again why I postponed home shoring.

Words are weapons
They seem to shut doors
All love that was left
Seems dead on the floor

She tries to reach
But her hand gets slapped
Why get to the heart
Leave it all trapped

He's always had that power
He'd use it on a whim
Not all his blame
She gave it to him

Cryptic, he says
Cuts her to the quick
He can brush her off
With just one flick.

He's always had that power
He'd use it on a whim
Not all his blame
She gave it to him

Too far gone now
No sense to look back
There's a train coming
She's tied to the tracks

He's always had that power
He'd use it on a whim
Not all his blame
She gave it to him

March 2008

Have all of my Xmas decor up. Now to figure out what to do for little munchkins. First, time for caroling! I seem so festive!

I'm putting up my Xmas tree, wearing my Xmas toe socks. The big toes have Santa on them. The other 8 toes each have a reindeer!

Hey, wow. I guess my last few blogs were perhaps a bit strong. I would apologize for that, but I won't. This is where I get that stuff out so, I guess, too bad. Here's the thing....

As far as I'm aware, until I have a piece of paper that says otherwise, I am still and he is still financially and legally tied. That means, even if you take all of the emotion out of it, (which would mean of course, we weren't human.) then if anything happens, it's up to me to take care of and to pick up the pieces. It's not up to anyone else. Not his children, not his friends. Okay. That's one small part of this.

Okay, number two. I have literally been bedside for hospital visits for this person, literally hundreds and hundreds of times. Usually, his mental state is one of disagreeable comments and behaviors, pulling out IV's, walking out of hospitals, giving me the 3rd degree, complaining about what they are doing, and wanting to go home, but not doing anything to help himself get better. That is normal. That is the norm. Get that, and beileve that. Because honestly, the show that you are being offered is completely and ultimately one of the most fascinating things I have ever witnessed. And I hope it is sincere.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad he has decided to be Mr. Happy Pants, but I hope you'll forgive me if I have trouble believing it's genuine. When you leave, the other guy comes back. Just know that. And that's not because you're wonderful. That's because that's who he wants you to see. And in my heart of hearts, I wish Mr. Happy Pants would stay permanently.

One more thing, when I walk in there, you realize of course, that regardless of what you may believe, I do care about this person. I don't know what you've heard, or what you think you know. Okay. But I do know him and have for a long long time. So don't give me any sort of look, and if one more person asks me what I am there. I am going to want to say this.....

Well, let's see. I guess because I was the one who would wait when he would disappear for days at a time and I never knew where he was or if he was all right. I am here because I am the one who waited when he stayed in Texas for a couple of months in one of the worst winters we've had. I am here because I am the one who has put up with all the bull shit and childish antics everytime he is sick. I am the one who has stayed bedside with very few, if any, thank you's for my help and companionship. I am here because I am the one who would went back and forth to Oak Lawn for a month, everyday, after work, because he had heart surgery. I am here because I said I would be.

So don't look at me as if I have no right. Because point in fact, other than his children, I am the only one with the rights at this time. Once I have that piece of paper, you do whatever you want. Have at it. Enjoy the roller coaster. But for now, I am the one who has to ride that train.

One more piece of advice, don't you believe everything you hear. You don't know very much about me at all. And until you take a vested interest in me, don't you dare judge me or who I am. Because you don't know me at all. You don't know my strength, my loyalty, my compassion or why I've done anything that I've done.

I've done this well over 100 times. He gives you a show. My dues paid with years of bearing his angst for me + mine. So wake up + back off.

Silly women with pixie haircuts, should check their misguided attitudes as the right is all mine.

I've made a few bad choices in this life, but at least my eyes were wide open. These folks don't see the oncoming train. Ignorance!

For 26 years + countless times, I've been bedside: yelled at, never thanked. Foolish friends: you've no clue there lurks a 2-sided mask.

Eight more work days until my holidays start!

I have the best brothers anyone could ask for. One came and fixed the whole left in my dining room ceiling by a careless plumber.

Nothing better this time of year, than driving my car adorned with antlers and a Rudolph nose, while wearing my Santa hat.

"There were promises made to little people, mindless of failure. Regardless of others' misperceptions, failure is not an option."

"All the wild horses, all the wild horses, tethered with tears in thier eyes, may no man's touch ever tame." Ray Lamontagua

Oh my gosh. The sump pump works!!! I am so excited!

Oh, God, it's raining! Guess when it rains, it pours. Please let that sump pump work right.

I often think that at some point, all of this world's insanity will make sense to me. Other times, I know, no way in hell it ever will.

It's interesting to note, those who can't see without thier glasses, can have no clue if someone else's eyes are leaking.

I am so prove of myself. My sump pump was smoking this morning. So I installed a new one, consulted by Ms. H. I'm so proud of my self.

I love having the xmas lights around the bedroom windows. The glow from the different colored lights makes falling asleep seem enchanted.

A little time managementallowed me to run and cat nap. Hooray! Now to get publically presentable!

Hmmm, been up since 2 a.m. I'm going to sing at 9. Should I run or sleep? Run or sleep? Run or sleep? Why do I keep repeating myself?

Why is it, the nights it doesn't matter if I sleep, I can. The nights I need to sleep, I cannot.

It was one of those
Moments you'd like to keep
Hide it in your drawer
Saved, to take out
Whenever you need to feel
Feel the way it felt again

He didn't say a word
There was something
Unexplainable
In the expression

The moment passed quickly
A smile she gave
She could have just asked
But what would he say

It was one of the those
Moments you'd like to keep
Put in a water vase
Placed carefully
To see it again, calmly
See it with new eyes

Could it be or foolish
That he would be
How could she believe
Facing reality

It was one of those
Moments you'd like to live
Knowing what you know
What you now know
To take the time to seek
The answer in his eyes

But something in his face
Clearly thinking
What's happened here
or was she wrong

It was one of those
Moments you need to breath
Hoping for a repeat
So as not to dismiss
That moment when he knew
The first moment he knew

His eyes, and she felt it
She sensed it too
Could it be imagined
Did she feel it too.

December 3rd, wow. How did that happen already? Soon, the hustle and bustle of the holidays will get everyone going....well, maybe....the economy is not exactly welcoming the holiday season. Still I paid $1.71 for gas yesterday and actually filled up the car for less than $20. That warrants a celebration in and of itself!

Seriously, 22 days until Christmas. Ooooo, it's so exciting. Well, sort of. I feel like there is much to do, but I already started putting up my decorations. I think I will save the tree for last. It is so much work and if I get enough of the other stuff up, well, maybe I won't need a tree! Nah, I need a tree. Yeah, I do. Okay, I'll put it up. But I'm still saving it for last. It's so much work. Unless somehow I downsize it. I could do that. We'll see.

So I've been giving careful consideration to my earning potential. I have many logs in the fire? Is that how they say that? Many spokes on the wheel.....I'm not sure.

I am reminded of the other day, I said to H, "Asking me to do that, is like asking a horse not to run." For which, she gave a funny look. So I said, how about, "Asking a fish not to fly? A bird not to swim? Ooops, reverse that." She gives me a lot of funny looks. I wonder why.....

Only 13 more work days until a much needed rest, recoup, and regroup. Yippee for me!

Woke up today
With you in mind
Sensed a sweet warmth
Holding you there
Keeping you close
As I remember yesterday

Woke up this morning
You on my mind
Sweet sensation, so kind
The warm memory
playing its part
Moving from my head
slipping into my heart

When we talk though
So much to say
But time is short
So unspoken
Words are replaced
With touching you so, touching you

Woke up this morning
With you on my mind
Such a sweet sensation
The memory kind
All playing their part
Moving from my head
slipping deep into my heart

Recall your words
You're so unsure
Me too, sweet you
What are we after
Don't really know
But I'm drawn to you, drawn to you

Woke up this morning
You on my mind
A sweet sweet sensation
The memory so kind
Playing each small part
Moving from my head
Slipping into my heart

Maybe one day
Sooner not late
we can lay down
Timeless, no cares
Lay there and wait
Next to you, sweetly, next to you

COPYRIGHT DEC

Seems I can't sleep. I've had 5 days where non-sleep would have been ok. But I have to get up in three hours. Not cool. More reality! :-P

Back to work tomorrow after the long weekend, spent with my very good friends. Funny, we could still use a few more days. Ah, reality.