Today

It was a month ago this evening when things changed. I cannot believe it has been a month. In many ways time has stood still. Each day I wake up and each day I go through my routine, work, work out, clean, eat, watch some television. Within that month, The first show I was lucky enough to direct opened, closed and was successful from my point of view. 9 shows, 6 sold out, 3 more than half, and at least two and half standing ovations and it was a wonderful experience. But in my heart I find a hole; when I think about it all too hard, I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach. It is a feeling that makes me feel completely vulnerable, empty. No one lives forever, but how the hell does that help? It doesn't. I understand now why people go to cemeteries. I never understood that before. I think now perhaps they go to get close to the person, to know they are there, or rather were there. I think they go because it is the only place they can go to try and connect or to see the person. There are times I would like to go see him, go talk to him, go tell him how it hurts and how much I miss him. But there is no where for me to go and satisfy those needs. That's okay. I work through it. Anyway, I just needed to talk about. I think about him everyday. I don't quite grasp how someone can be there one day and gone the next, even though I rationally know that is life. I ask myself questions about if I had done things differently would it have made a difference to where we are today. I ask myself if I did all that I could. I ask myself why I did not get back to him sooner as I said. I ask myself how odd it is to think that I will not seem him again while I am on this earth. I ask myself if that thought will get easier to live with or harder to live with. Anyway, I remind myself to celebrate his life and not mourn his loss, but today I just needed to acknowledge the time that has passed because inside of me it feels like time has stood still.