For some strange reason, I can no longer post mobily. I keep trying but am getting no where. I am sure it will work out soon, but who knows.

Anyway, 2 in the morning and no sleeping. My mind is full of thoughts of Dad. His birthday is the 13th. And actually, I think I have done fairly well. I have my moments which spring up on me, unexpectedly. Like for instance, the man at the airport, who had eyes similar to Dad's. Caught me a bit off guard. But mostly my most difficult moments have been private and I believe that is best.

And actually, the show has keep my mind on other things. But the last few weeks, I don't know. I feel I am going a bit backwards. Thoughts and visions of his last few months keep popping into my mind, unexpectedly. I did not have these types of moments right after he past,but perhaps that is because I had just lived it. It was still very fresh in my mind and much of it I had to push aside at the time, because there were other more important matters to deal with on that day, or to prepare for the next day would be, as each day was a bit different. Now, it's as if it is all coming back. My mind had put it all on hold until it was ready to figure out where we were going to file all of these images and memories. Maybe it's decided it's time to face that terribly tragic time.

My heart is not agreeing with my head just now. Heck I still have moments when I can't believe he is gone and it's like I am being punched in the stomach all over again. There are times I go back through my actions and wonder if I had done something different, maybe I could have stopped it. I had pneumonia, he had pneumonia. Who had it first? Or did we both get it from that damn nursing home. What if I had kicked out those stupid nurse trainees when they were in there without their masks? Could that have changed things? Would he still be here?

I know these are mute points because I can't go back. I can't bring him back. But that is the problem, I want him back. You see? My heart is not ready to face what my mind and head need to face.

The greatest tragedy of all of it, to me, is that Dad was aware. There are a lot of misconceptions among "people" of the state that he was in mentally those last few months, and I am not saying that anyone misled anyone but I think people did not necessarily see what was there in it's whole context. He was there, more than he had been for awhile. He engaged more than before. And some people, I think, did not or could not, (and there is no blame her or finger pointing) admit that for various reasons. Perhaps they had only seen him once or twice and at those times, he was having a bad couple of hours. Maybe if they thought he was of sound mind, they could not justify rationally why he was in that place in the first place.

Whatever the case, there was only a few times when I knew he was struggling that day, and he was a bit fuzzy on things. But the next day, I could go back and he would have things as clear as day. And it was those days that mattered, those days I would not miss. The fuzzy days mattered too, because no one should struggle on their own, but all of it was him. He had more good days then bad, but either way it was still Dad.