I've been decorating the house for the holidays. I had the four stockings up, but kept looking at them. And in a tearful moment the other night, decided maybe it was best to put them away. I can't fill them, this year, certainly. But mostly, it wouldn't seem right.

My mother-in-law made those stockings for us, one by one as we joined the family. Harmony and I got ours in the same year. So we've had those four stockings with us each year we've been a family.

I put them up for decoration about a week ago, but have kept looking at them. They are representative of our foursome, but also, of the love Jeanne has for us. And my heart breaks each time I think of her and my father-in-law, knowing that I don't think there is any way I can make this up to them. And how I wish I had found a different solution to resolving the ache inside the hearts of this little family of four, this family of mine.

So as I've looked at the foursome of stockings, I realize the changes are so great. Hil is not there now. Moved out and on. Bill is not there now. I tried taking theirs down and just leaving the remaining two, but that didn't seem right either. They were made to be displayed as a foursome. In a tearful moment, I decided, at least for this year, these stockings must be put away, and I put them back in the box. I cannot see this representation of the four of us, without having to swallow hard. Perhaps next year I will be able to hang them all and it won't be as poignant or painful. But not this year.

Not this year.