I have not been myself lately. I am one of those people who is not very talented when it comes to expressing my displeasure in something. In fact, I have no talent that way whatsoever. I have to say, that's the one thing in men that I admire the most. Most of the men I have encountered have no qualms at expressing their displeasure with something. If they disagree with something someone says, they quite easily will voice that without a second thought. I find men have this trait more predominantly than women. But I think it's because they are taught that what they think is important and the world is not going to come crashing to an end because they speak their minds.

Women on the other hand, well, it's not so easy. We are taught to nurture and we are taught to accept the world around us, whether we like it or not. So expressing feelings and dislikes can sometimes be a daunting task. By so expressing, we may cause uncomfortable feelings, we may hurt someone else, we may seem out of place.

I am not saying this is true for all women, or for all men, for that matter. I just find for me, I have a lot of trouble with expressing anger, and feelings and I have always attributed this to my gender, in part.

So when I do finally express, it often comes out at the wrong time, directed toward the wrong person, for the wrong reasons.

Such a situation happened to me just a few days ago, and I am quite ashamed of myself. Currently, I have a lot of frustrating issues of which I have been unable to confront, address and put away as I so desire. I would like to move on, and I am slowly coming to realize, I may have to move on without ever figuring out where I can put them. Normally, when I come to terms with life's questions and struggles, I eventually come to a place where I can put them up on a shelf, so to speak. And if I ever need them to remind me of lessons learned, or for whatever reason, I know where they are, but I won't let them hurt me again. But these current hurts/issues, they are shared by more than myself and so are too heavy for me to put them up on the shelf alone. The person who needs to help me lift them up and put them away cannot seem to do so. This is regrettable as I am in a quandry, needing the relief of their burden. I am trying to find a way to do so alone, but think I may be better off coming to terms with the fact, that I may not get them on the shelf. They may not go anywhere at all. But I digress -

Frustration, my middle name lately. Anyway, I have a new friend. I think maybe could be a good friend, in the end. But for some reason, I allowed my anger to come rushing out the other night, unlocked by a comment which I took quite to heart. I mean, I think I had a right to make sure this friend new I did not deserve the comment, but at the same time, not the way I did, as their comment was not meant to hurt me as it did. It was a seemingly innocent comment, but one which bore a lot of truth for me, personally. They did not realize.

Anyway, so this new friend, who knows little about me or the current situation(s), ended up getting more of my anger than I intended. I am afraid I may have built up a lot of bricks on the new wall of friendship between us, this wall which is slowly coming down through the course of new beginnings. I'm afraid I looked like a looney bird to this person. I am afraid it may have been irreparable. We shall see. I hope this is not the case.

We have talked since, and I have apologized, well, actually we both apologized. But I realized through this experience, I really have no idea how to do these things. I have very little talent in how to relate to people, in how to express my feelings clearly or concisely. The only time I am certain I express my meaning clearly and unequivocably is when my mind and heart and voice express my feelings through song. It is then I know who I am and who I want to be.

So I hope my new friend will be around awhile. I hope they will give me a second chance, and perhaps a third chance if necessary. I hope they will give me a chance to get off of the ledge I have been teetering on for awhile and let me step down to where I am level again, and maybe they will let me sing them a song or two, so that they can see the nature of my heart and who I am inside.