In reality, the argument gets most heated in my mind. I have few solid theories I have always tried to live by. Three of the most prevalent, live honestly, family first, failure is not an option.

Funny, isn’t it, that life proved to me, that as much as these were some of the most prevalent parts of my character, they are also the three I have been least successful at, and there the argument begins.

I would not change anything I have done, other than wonder if I should I have proceeded more quickly. But I know I could not, and even now, I am having difficulty accepting the inevitable.

I did what I could for my family, as honestly as I could, and I tried to not let failure be an option.

Honestly, I held on to the silence I clung to for far too long, leaving myself and those who mean the most to me in obscurity. I tried to find a way to break through it, to grab a hold of a real being, but I was repeatedly unsuccessful.

Family, it speaks for itself. It is still everything to me, but I think I am going to have to come up with a different definition of it, to learn to find it again. I have serious hurts here, on all sides, immediate and in-laws. Something I could never explain to anyone because I cannot face this failing myself. I cannot explain it myself to myself. I think maybe I tried too hard.

Failure, to me, does not necessarily mean perfection, but mostly it means never giving up. But this time I did, I gave up. I let go. I did not want to. But there was no other alternative. I looked for alternatives. I still do, to be honest. But I see none. And I cannot hold on alone. I could not hold on alone any longer.

So change is inevitable.