I attended the Wicker Park christmas concert tonight. Funny, as I was waiting for the concert to begin, I was reminded again of last year at this time. The feelings I was dealing with, the changes I was facing, and the challenges, too. It seems like it was just a dream now. Things were a bit scarey then, but they were also very exciting and I was feeling very warm inside that winter. Today, I don't have that warmth. I feel a bit chilled.

But I remind myself as I have for the past few weeks, that this holiday season may be one of reflection more than one of living in this moment. I tell myself, again, that it is a learning experience of some sort, of a lesson I don't quite grasp yet. It is out of reach and out of my realm of current comprehension. But it's all right, and I will only be the wiser, the stronger, for it. For all of it.

The choir files in and unusually so, they line up along the aisles of the church to sing their first song. I sat at the end of my row, quite pleased. I believe this always enhances a concert. It brings the music closer, the singing more intimate. Lucky me, my favorite Wicker Park singer was just behind me.

So as they begin to sing Hark the Herald Angels Sing, I am suddenly overcome with emotion. I am learning however how to keep the emotion inside, (it's taken me 40 something years) and to try to have my outside remain steadfast. It is not always easy, so a few tears escaped.

Through the years, this has happened to me any number of times, unpredictable and usually it's because of the pride and amazement I feel at the beauty and simplicity of the girls' voices. The pure tone and the joy it fills me with, is something I cannot explain. It is, I guess, my way of knowing a part of me is immortal in them, in their soul, in the gifts I had a small part of giving them. I am humbled by it.

Today, it was some of that, but also for the changes and lack of changes that have occurred in the past year. I don't know if I've progressed. I don't know if I am getting anyway. My friend said I have, in my attitude, in my conviction, but I don't know. I am still in the same place, physically.

Anyway, after the few initials escapes of my emotion, it was okay. As I sat listening to the concert, I would look around. I'm not sure what God is asking from me. I don't know how he wants me to get where I need to be, but I am trying. And I know I have not done things the way most people would, but I also know, I am me. He knows who I am and where I've been and why I made my choices. I don't understand the results of those choices sometimes. I have had my share of losses, but I have also so many gains.

So I will just pursue. I will continue to walk those miles and see where I end up.

Last year, my warmth came from within, and partly just from being able to share my feelings with people who cared about me, to be allowed to share my feelings, to understand what it was to share those feelings, and to be accepted for who I was by people who cared about me. And I think I am realizing, I must accept who I am, good bad and indifferent, before anyone else can.

Well, that was a whole lot of rambling, wasn't it? It was.