I still haven't gotten a handle on it quite yet. But there is something satisfying in the ability to spew out whatever comes into my head on a page that goes out into the infinite world of cyperspace. And considering how many visitors this blog has attracted, it seems most likely that no one is truly listening, which allows for a magnitude of freedom in terms of subject matter, believes, and any particular moodiness which might over take me at any given moment.

I like that.

No one can say I am wrong, or that I mispronounced something, or that I use a term incorrectly. Well, they could say it, but I won't hear them, or rather I can choose not to hear them. I like that as well.

And one of the best parts of this freedom is that I am not writing this for anyone other than myself. I don't have to worry that someone has their clothes clean, or food in their bellies, or that they have taken their temperature. These are habits I have formed and which are very hard to shake, looking after other folks. And this may seem sexist, but I believe women are taught to do this nurturing thing, early on. We take care of our dolls, our brothers and sisters, our pets, our stuffed animals.

For me, it is a hard habit to break....to stop....even just for a little while and get used to thinking about my needs only. I feel uncomfortable doing so. I feel guilty doing so. Isn't that strange? It is so ingrained in my being that everyone else should come before I do.

The funny part is, if women do put themselves first, before others...it is often frowned upon...well, he deserves her attention more...she is not a good wife....good mother....good sister. It's a catch 22.

Regardless, I'm learning to accept me. To try to put my needs first....to learn how to express what they are....another huge obstacle....but perhaps cyperspace will teach me that...if nothing else. I must first voice them, if I want them to be heard. This might a good place to practice.