Not a lot to say today....well, that's not exactly true. Actually, I have an abundance of things on my mind. But they are all swirling around as if leaves in an autumn breeze and none of them have settled yet. When they do, I can expound.

For now, let me say I'm a person who follows the rules, usually. That is not to say, that there is not a renegade streak in me. There is and always has been. Sometimes it has to come out. I never really know why or when, but when it does, I don't pay as much attention to rules and I follow my gut. Looking at the times in my life, when I have allowed my gut to take over, I have made some errors. Costly, some, but valuable, all. I have no regrets of those times in my life. They were actually some of the best teachers. But I do find as life goes on, we have a tendency to repeat ourselves. Perhaps it is because lines that we dare to cross even just once, or for a moment, become a little fuzzy in that spot. So it's easier to cross the line again, as it is not as defined, it's edges are blurred.

I have been having some difficulties, sleeping and dealing with inevitable changes. I am sorry that they are inevitable. I am sorry that I could not inspire the need to persevere, the need to work it out.

I am a fighter, have been fighting, probably longer than I should have. And when I stopped fighting, it seems it all fell apart. I guess I let go, and had a very poor grip on what I thought I understood.

I don't like letting go. In fact, it takes a lot for me to do so. Sometimes I'm like ivy on a wall, you can pull on me and perhaps tear some of me away, but there will be that one little piece that cannot let go. Letting go of another person is the worst. To think of it, leaves a place in my stomach that is an empty hole, sure to swallow me whole, and my breath is gone, and my eyes swell. I cannot eat. I cannot sleep. I have no idea why I am this way. I am. What am I so afraid of?